I had been trying to avoid talking to my mother since I stopped following the plan. I was terrified of what might come of the whole thing. I now know that I was right to fear that moment.
It began with that familiar tingle in the back of my head. I looked to Samira, hoping to just ignore the call, but I don't know why I thought that was possible. In an instant I was' pulled through the trump and brought in for judgement. Looking up into my queen's, more important, my mother's eyes I could feel the daggers stabbing into my heart. She began to throw accusations at me. In her eyes I betrayed my kingdom, my purpose, and worse...my family. I just felt me heart being torn slowly, word by word. My own mother believes that I would do something to bring her and my brother harm.
But that is far from the truth. They are the reason why I am doing what it is I am doing. My intuition tells me that no one has discovered the plan that will save us all from destruction. We have all been lead to believe what why know would be right, and are being played. We are all just doing what we have been fooled into believing was right.
Yes, there has been a few steps in what feels like the good direction. Freeing Virgil. That felt right. Seeing Renee back and well. That feels like it is right. And telling the Amberites about myself and my family's plans...felt like the right thing to do.
But it hurt so much to hear my mother tell me I was the enemy of my own kingdom. Any hope I had at the one moment was crushed. It will be hard to keep going, but now I know that I can not give up. I will help discover the answer and we will be alright. Then I pray my mother will finally see the light and have hope that she and my brother can be redeemed.
Everyone can be redeemed.
Please don't let me have made the wrong decision. For I have been exiled from my family.
And doomed the man I love.
Yes, I said it.
I love you Cullen.
Some Nights - Fun.