...It is better if I do nothing.
My actions and words are poison, destroying everything I intended to build. My older son spouts nothing but unweighted words, and my younger seeks to remove my crown. Whatever, let him do what he wants. I don't care anymore. My poor control over Khan has lead to his and Peregrine's death, my plans are poison. I should never have acted. That Creature is coming to the Golden Circle at last. But I don't even care anymore, surely the amorous princess shall thwart it and take her 'rightful' place. It doesn't even matter anymore. It's better if I do nothing.
The experience of being a parent has been some what eye opening and I now understand a little more about what my father has to deal with. He said I would better understand many things when I finally got around to having offspring and I can certainly say I see things from a different angle now. I'm sure the returns on my time investments will make all this worth it.
Raising children is almost like an experiment really... An experiment in thought. Raising a child is like molding clay, shaping them to be as you see but knowing that there will be some factors you can not fully control if you want the piece to really come to life. Ideally raising a child shouldn't be too difficult but it's when you start to over think things that it really starts to weigh on a being's mind.
You start out with a plan and panic when things don't go according to it. You have a goal and panic when you're not reaching land marks that you wanted to. You want the children to be free to do as they please but worry about the dangers of the universe. Even amberites can be overcome by things. At some point you just have to let go. Knowing when to let go is the hardest part and some make the tragic mistake of never letting go. Like any decision a parent makes, the decision as to when to let go becomes more complex when you start to over think it. Spend too much time with the child and they will be spoiled and clinging. Spend too little with the child and they become distance or possibly resentful. I think this is the problem I have made with my children. One I held onto for too long, while the other I let go of too soon.
And how fine a line it is between letting go too soon and not soon enough. Lises, my first child. How I dotted on him and loved everything about him. I spent so much time with him when he was young and loved the experience so much that I was determined to have a second son soon there after. Terridus, my second child would always be in his brother's shadow. Years later I realized the unfairness of it. The incalculable difference just 1 year of age would make on them is something a normal parent would simply over look but then I started to over think it and that's when things became complex.
My mind would not rest until I found a way to raise the two as evenly as possible. If only they had been twins I could have had an easier time standardizing their education and rearing. But they would soon grow to be very different. The best I could do is just try not to over think it. When I focused on them too much I was an over baring father. When I tried to give them space, I was cold and distant. Everything was becoming over thought and soon all I could do is just watch them grow, and grow they did.
Lises was ready to walk the pattern almost as soon as I was able to when I was young. I knew that once he did, he would be able to make his own choices as an amberite. But to my surprise, Terridus demanded to walk the pattern the same day. He seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, not wanting to be in his brother's shadow any longer. When the two of them walked the pattern, I knew that my role of father would be much less important from that day on.
Again, the best I could do was watch from a distance. Lises came back to amber before Terridus and seemingly expanded on his respect for all life. Lises was never one for politics and sought peace in all things. He wanted nothing more than to live and love life and I was happy to let him. Terridus however came back and was very different from his experience. He stayed in amber and took part in court, pursuing his agendas with tenacity and vigor. Where as Lises opted out of that life, Terridus embraced it. I soon came to realize a very strange aspect of my children, not the things that made them similar but the things that made them different.
They both had different takes on things. Lises was experimental; learning trump and crafting single, powerful items. He loved living things and individual lives. Terridus on the other hand kept with Pattern and when made items made them in mass amounts. Terridus did not care for individual lives, but was more interested in life in general. Lises would defend a being at any risk, while Terridus would make sacrifices if it benefited many others. Both took shadows of their own and filled it with being that interested them, both would protect their charges with whatever power they had.
Terridus is in my opinion the harder to understand of the two boys. His philosophy of ending life to protect it is a contradiction that few take the time to try and figure out and even fewer fully understand. Like me he experiments in many different ways but does so in safe ways, like his mask wearing for instance. Many speculate he does so out of some kind of shame of his looks, but I know the truth. Terridus is also much more vicious and ill tempered than LIses, seemingly making up for LIses's lack of those things. What impresses me the most about Terridus is his ability to focus on things. Amberites have a problem with focus I feel. With so much going on it's easy to get side tracked. What some in the family see as reclusive behavior I know is actually my son dedicating himself to a goal and stopping at nothing to achieve it.
During Renee's rebellion my children reached a turning point I feel. Lises , still maintaining his stance of peace and understanding refused to pick a side while Terridus stood with conviction at his king's side. Even when I declared myself neutral, Terridus did not yield. Nothing could have made me more proud than to see my son... my YOUNGER son, refuse me. Even with him knowing how powerful I am, and seeing other sons and daughters siding with their parents and his own brother being loyal to his father, Terridus still refused me. He fought hard for the king and in time his actions were overshadowed by others, but I did not forget this. I would never.
After the battle he came to me and tried to make amends, I told him that he had made his choice and he had to stand by it. Terridus did and when the king's rule came to an end, and I was named the new king, I didn't think twice about who I was to name crowned prince. Lises, although having starting a family of his own, was still no king. What a shame I thought to myself; the one son who is ready for a family has none and the one who still has growing up to do already has a family. How strange such things are.
Terridus impressed me again when I learned of his plans to wake Renee. Such brash moves were not like him but I studied his plan and was interested in seeing if it would work. Normally a king would be outraged at a son plotting his down fall, but I did not stand against my sister Renee before and I will not do so now. If my son can undo what I did to her, and replace her onto the throne, then he deserves the fruits of his labors and she deserves to be queen.
I know my son bares me no ill will and challenges my authority not out of viciousness but out of loyalty. He strives to be the best son he can be to impress me and he know he can do that by showing his talents to me directly. My only regrets about him were his lack of social skills for I feel one day he may sit on that throne and have no idea what he's doing. I think that if he were to have a son... He may see things from a different angle... Just like I did when I had children.