#14 Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:17 am
Okay, I need everyone to read this. This will be the most important journal entry I will make for the rest of my existence.
I, Annalee, was raised to believe that I am a being of the Eagle. I was raised to believe that the Trump that runs through my very being is an extension of the power that the Eagle gifted to me. I was raised to believe that the Amberites are the children of the Unicorn. I was raised to believe that Pattern was the gift of the Unicorn to the Amberites. I was raised to believe that Chaos was the spawn of the Serpent and that Logrus is the influence of the Serpent on reality.
We were raised to believe these rules.
Who taught us these rules? Our parents? Their parents? Where did it all begin.
It began with the Unicorn, the Eagle, and the Serpent. The three of them sat down one day and built the reality in which we live in today. It was an experiment created to see this reality become "greater than the sum of its parts" and then for it to end. That was the rules that this universe was built upon.
This plan was a mystery to us only until the past few hundred years. As far as I know at least.
Now, Razgriz comes into the picture. He is a fourth dimensional creature from outside of reality. He one of their kind. I can go as far as to label them as the "Makers". Now, one of these makers has crashed in to our reality and you know what happened? We defeated him. We combined our wills to change the rules of what Razgriz was to then expel him from our reality.
You do realize how completely impossible that situation was? A comparison would be that we are all small little tadpoles living in a small puddle together. One day this grown snapping turtle shows up and decides he wants to swallow us whole. We, as tadpoles, banded together and decided NO he was not going to eat us. And so, we beat this snapping turtle out of our pond, forcing him to leave.
That story makes no sense. Tadpoles can NOT beat a snapping turtle. But it did happen.
We were raised to believe that we are the lesser beings in the grander scheme of beings outside our understanding. Just for a moment, when we defeated Razgriz, we questioned this belief. The fact that we won was a clear response telling us that we are NOT lesser beings. We are not tiny little tadpoles. And we do NOT have to listen to the Unicorn, Eagle, or Serpent anymore. Yes, these rules have been drilled into our heads from the beginning, but it is time for every single one of us to realize this.
No Virgil. Killing the Eagle and replacing him will not solve the problem. If you use the moment, you will kill the Eagle and all of reality will end as it was destined to do. I know this for a fact. The Eagle also knows this. He knows you have the moment, and he knows you have the power to kill him. He wants you to.
And for a fact, killing each other will cause reality to collapse.
We are allowing ourselves to be lured into believing a false truth. That reality itself has to depend on these three. That we are just the pieces to a puzzle built by the Makers.
I have seen the light. I can not understand why the rest of you have not. We defeated Razgriz. We won. We are far more powerful than we believe to be. Everyone just refuses to accept this impossible truth. Open your eyes, we have already proved that we can do it.
This is what needs to happen:
Step 1: Convince all three kingdoms to call a cease fire. Everyone needs to put their grudges aside and be the higher beings that we truly are.
*Both Chaos and Amber are willing to work together. Aquila is the issue.
*We must convince the queen to stop what she is doing. She needs to be enlightened to the truth.
*Virgil needs to stop with his master plan, it will undo all of reality.
Step 2: Unite the Kingdoms.
*We must gather together to become whole.
*We must all believe together that we are greater. We must transcend the beliefs we were raised on as a unified front.
Step 3: Create a treatise between the kingdoms
*Come to an agreement to set aside grudges and allow one another to coexist.
*After we take what is rightfully ours, we must never combine the power of there ever again.
Step 4: Take what is rightfully ours.
*Once transcendence has been met, we will collectively change the rules of reality. It will not longer be destined to become greater than the sum of its parts and end. The makers created this reality. We also have the power to create reality. We just take what we have and give reality the destiny of power. We do not need to become greater because we are already great. Reality will be destined to exist and continue as we will continue to exist and continue.
*The loss of reality from Chronos will not matter because reality will be changed. We will take and build the core. Any damage will be null in void.
They ONLY THING that can stop us is ourselves.
You have to accept that you are greater than you have always believed yourself to be.
When you do that, then you will transcend the laws of what it means to be a creature of power.
If we can not realize this, then we do not deserve what is rightfully ours. And we deserve the destiny that was predetermined for us.
I pray you can ascend to the great creature that you really are.
"There's a road We must travel
There's a promise We must make
But the riches Will be plenty
Worth the risk And chances that we take"
Denying yourself pleasure, for you fear the pain
In a state of confusion, life is only an illusion.
Strange behaviour, looking for a Saviour,
Redeem and repent, for your time not well spent.
The beast has been slain, and at the cost I had expected. It took a younger sibling to give me the strength to stand up to the monster that was called Cain. Thankfully she had what it took to finish the job. The world has been cleaned of his filth and I have fulfilled my purpose. Or at least I thought I had. Is this my punishment for being so weak? Reality itself is holding on to me and wont let me just die. Is this cruel joke happening for a reason? I have said good bye to the one tether that would keep me here. I have completed my role within the madness. And still, I linger here.
For once in my life, I was able to get Lucian to realize that he was wrong. I am not one for rubbing things in ones face, but I have to admit the look on his face made me smile. Having known him my whole life, it is not easy to frustrate him.
But this also is a good sign. I have brought to light the Eagle's plan to my brother. Although his opinion of Amberites may not change, I feel it is still enough for him to start working towards the path that leads to our freedom. We will prove to the Eagle that we do deserve to continue. That we have earned our place in reality. We are not experiments laid for for entertainment.
We are creatures of power.
And together we will become the greatest power.
We just need to set our egos aside.
I will not do it.
I can not do it.
I will not be responsible for the death of another Amberite.
I will not be part of the plan.
I have to prove them all wrong.
Do not ask me a question you know I will have no answer to.
I will not be tricked or played.
Please do not make me choose.
If I did, then I will have given up on the belief that everyone can change.
If I could make that choice then...then I will have lost hope.
I do not want to kill my brother or my mother.
But, I will do anything it takes to redeem them from becoming the monsters they have be painted to be.
By myself, will be the one to give them that chance.
If someone were to rob me of this chance, then they will have robbed my of my hope.
I can not fathom my world with out hope.
Do not ask me to look into the darkness.
I will not choose that path.
After sleeping on it, I feel like calling my brother Hitler was not the best idea. I was just so tired and worn out. It was no shape to deal with his games. I know what I am doing is right. I know the decisions I have made are right. I can no explain why because it is just an internal feeling that drives me forward. Lucian needs to feel what I feel, he needs to open his heart and listen to the world around him. I feel like I have failed him. I do not know how to help him see the light.
The worst is I can't trust him. The words that come from his mouth are all lies and half truths. It is who he is. I need to get him to be honest with himself before I can get him to be honest with me. It is going to hurt, but I am determined to save him and my mother.
You need to be knocked down before you can pick yourself back up.
I just hope he doesn't fall to hard.
Annalee, my only daughter, betrayed me.
I should have trusted my instincts when I let her out of the castle. She wasn't ready to take on the rest of shadow. Her young mind was too easily played by the monsters that surround us. I blame myself for her subversion. Shadow was too much for her to handle, and now I fear it has taken her away from me. Ever since she was a child I could see that she was special. Her heart has always been too big for her to think straight. It was foolish of me to throw her into the wild before it was her time.
But, I can not let this loss slow me down. Sacrifices must be made to protect my kingdom. With everything else moving according to plan, I must stay strong. With Annalee's betrayal, the Amberites know more than they should about us. It complicates things. I need to speed things to make up for this complication. With Razgris heading for Amber, a window of opportunity opens. The Amberites will throw all the have got at this thing. He will be a perfect distraction for Lucian to strike. If anything, he has been a loyal child. I can count on him to make the right decision.
Oh Annalee, you broke my heart. I sit here on my throne, looking back to when you were just old enough to walk. Your little infectious smile lightened up the room. But now, you have snuffed that life from my heart. You brother and I are the only family that you have. We have always been the people that we could rely on; that we could trust. You took that trust and tore it in half.
I can only now hope that everything does go according to plan and hope that when this is all over I can find it in my own heart to forgive you.
When the mission was over and everyone was safe, Annalee withdrew herself from the people around her. There was a darkness coming and she needed to figure out where her place was in all of the madness. When she was a scared child, she would run away to a shadow she discovered one day. It was just this long, open field cover by a sky of blue. There were never any people, or animals around; just the wide open beauty of nature. It had been some time since she ran away to this shadow, but she felt like that small scared child once again.
So unsure of her place in all of shadow, Annalee retreated to her sanctuary. She stood in the open field; eyes closed, and listened to the music of the wind. The point was to push out the noise of her mind and to find a meditative silence. So much has changed and she was beginning to allow herself to become lost in all of existence. She had no home, no family, and no plan. She was coasting along with just her will to fix things, and improvisation.
She was pretending she knew what she we doing, when in reality she was just as naïve as the rest. All of her decisions were off of instinct. She didn’t use fact, or logic. She just moved off of her gut feeling. But who was she to decide who was right or wrong? Who says her gut has any idea of what was going on?
Everything she has done has only hurt things. First she helped her mother. That led to war in Amber and then the obliteration of most life in the shadow. It also marked her as both a liar and an enemy to the family. She then tried to make amends by revealing the truth and then giving her hand in assistance with freeing Virgil. That caused her to betray her own family and be declared an enemy of her own home.
So now, she is sitting out in shadow, alone. She is just listening to the music of silence and trying to find the question that will lead her to the answer she needed to know. Should she help Amber? Why should she? Half of them hate her, and the rest allow her to stick around to ‘help out’. Can she take by her betrayal and return home? No, it is too late to turn back from that. Then what is her purpose?
Amber has Virgil, and he of course knows so much more than her. Her brow furrows as she thinks about him. He is has obviously moved beyond her own understanding and she should be one of his companion’s to help with his ‘great plan’. No, she couldn’t do that. Just because she is not an Amberite, she still was a being of power. She deserved to be treated with an equal respect. She should not be talked to as if a child.
Then she thought about her brother. At first when she heard her brother’s voice over the intercom she wanted to say something to him. She wanted to tell him about how he is misguided by their mother and this plan he has lived for is wrong. That it was all a lie. But nothing came out. She couldn’t bring herself to go up against him. It was hard enough to listen to her mother’s disapproval. She realized that she couldn’t handle it from her big brother.
And so she cowardly stood by the Amberite’s side and just did what she could to help before just retreating.
She ran away like she did as a child. How pathetic was that? Annalee opened up her eyes and looked out into the nothing around her. It was hard for her to hold back the tears and soon she fell to her knees sobbing. This purgatory she has doomed herself to be floating in was swallowing her up and has become too overwhelming.
Yes, there have been others who have offered their help, but why should she trust them? Why would they want to help her? Why would she deserve their charity?
But why is she fighting it? She has spent far too long keeping herself away from being roped in with the others. Annalee just keeps considering herself as this separate party. But in the grand scheme of things, she is in the same group as everyone else. She stopped crying and stood up straight.
It was time for her to pull herself together and to start making more of a mark on the universe. No more lingering. She was going to just go with the flow of things and just keep pushing till the end. She wiped away her tears and decided to say goodbye to this shadow. She was not a child anymore. She could not just run away from her problems. It was time to return to Virgil and Schala, and she would make herself be important to the plan, no matter what it was.
She would not be a coward.
I had been trying to avoid talking to my mother since I stopped following the plan. I was terrified of what might come of the whole thing. I now know that I was right to fear that moment.
It began with that familiar tingle in the back of my head. I looked to Samira, hoping to just ignore the call, but I don't know why I thought that was possible. In an instant I was' pulled through the trump and brought in for judgement. Looking up into my queen's, more important, my mother's eyes I could feel the daggers stabbing into my heart. She began to throw accusations at me. In her eyes I betrayed my kingdom, my purpose, and worse...my family. I just felt me heart being torn slowly, word by word. My own mother believes that I would do something to bring her and my brother harm.
But that is far from the truth. They are the reason why I am doing what it is I am doing. My intuition tells me that no one has discovered the plan that will save us all from destruction. We have all been lead to believe what why know would be right, and are being played. We are all just doing what we have been fooled into believing was right.
Yes, there has been a few steps in what feels like the good direction. Freeing Virgil. That felt right. Seeing Renee back and well. That feels like it is right. And telling the Amberites about myself and my family's plans...felt like the right thing to do.
But it hurt so much to hear my mother tell me I was the enemy of my own kingdom. Any hope I had at the one moment was crushed. It will be hard to keep going, but now I know that I can not give up. I will help discover the answer and we will be alright. Then I pray my mother will finally see the light and have hope that she and my brother can be redeemed.
Everyone can be redeemed.
Please don't let me have made the wrong decision. For I have been exiled from my family.
And doomed the man I love.
Yes, I said it.
I love you Cullen.
Some Nights - Fun.
You know, when someone tells you something, and it makes complete sense, that does not make it a truth.
I have been preaching the need to combine those of all powers to find the solution from the start, but I feel like people still don't understand what it is I am trying to say. Every single one of the plans that are in movement make perfect sense. I want to believe that they will help us.
But something deep down inside of me keeps telling me that I have not found the right path.
All my life I have taken a problem and changed it into a solution. It has never come to destruction. There was always another answer, it just was hard to see.
Killing, destruction, death...it sounds all to easy.
I will not pretend to believe that I can out smart the Eagle, or any of the higher beings. They made all of existence. I know that he has plan after plan after plan. I do not know what they are, but I know what I see when I am in his glorious presences. Everything.
So why wouldn't he expect us to want to kill him? It is a clear as day solution.
What bothers me, is that I feel like he has.
And therefore, has a plan for it.
Garrick asks enough questions, and Schala is direct.
Maybe they will take the time to look with me.
I just want to be able to go home.
So, we did it. We successfully freed Virgil the claws of the Eagle.
That should feel good right?
Then why do I have this horrid churning feeling in my stomach?
Oh yeah, that is right. I just basically just said a huge fuck you to my family and the being that is the reason for my existence really. Never have I ever disrespected my mother so greatly.
I do feel like what I did was right. Virgil needed to be taken away from the Eagle. It was necessary to show them that I am serious. They must know this by now, but at the same time, that screech still made my heart break. I am actively bringing harm to those that I care about the most. It is not something I want to do, but it is something that must be done to stop the destruction.
So now I stand here, away from my family. Separated by rebellion.
Where do I stand then?
With the Amberites? Most of them don't trust me. A few might even actively hate me. I feel like this burden that has been dropped in their hands. A few have just accepted me as being there.
So where do I stand?
For now, it will be on my own. Well, aside from Cullen. out of all the Amberites, he doesn't make me feel like an outsider.
Until I can get forgiveness for my actions and are able to get my family to understand as I do, I will stand for my own.
I am sure this is one of the few time in history someone is regretting everything moving according to plan. The Amberites are literally just serving themselves to us on a silver platter. How can they not see that this is how it was meant to be? No, I don't know the whole plan, but I know what my purpose was. I was here to break Amber a apart and to make Chaos crumble. Amber is now sufficiently broken. Talwyn is on her way to Chaos to create yet another war. Everything is perfect,
I don't want to be apart of this plan anymore. It is time for a new plan with a better ending.
Lises listens to me. He understands! Garrick has open ears but I fear he is only half on board. Stephen's words make me feel he has seen the light. Terridus is blind with rage and ignorance. Schala is warming up to me. The others I do not have a strong enough feel with them.
Then there is James. I know now, from his comment about my home that he has walked into a terrible trap. Saving Virgil will only do so good anymore. They have a back up, and that doesn't even mean that is their only one. James must be dealt with, for he will be a horrible detriment.
We need to get Virgil back and make a new road to success.
Lises if you listening, get some friends, we are going to kick the door down on this problem.
What defines something as of being of substance? Is it pattern? Is it power? Is it life? Trump.
Who decides what defines a being substance? The Unicorn? The Serpent? The Eagle.
What is trump? Trump is simply the power of Shadow itself, defining all that is by its simple existence.
So then, why has it decided that those it has deemed not of substance to be wiped from existence? What has it decided is of substance? Will even creatures of power become so insignificant that they too will be dismantled?
Everyone is at risk, and it is up to me to find the truth. With the truth I can build the proper case to defend all that is and is not of substance. It is up to me to give voice to the both significant and insignificant life that stretches through out shadow. Destruction is not the answer.
I pray that I can form a triumvirate of power that is great enough to defy the one that defines who we are in existence. If masters of the three powers join together, we will have the strength to overcome most any obstacle.
We will have the power to change the very definition that defines us all.
I just need those that I care for the most to understand that I am doing this to save them.
I am sorry.
I feel like those words can not express the this sickness that is now festering in my stomach. It is horrible, no disgusting, what happened in Amber. The sounds of sorrow from those affected are only the beginning to the guilt that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have been raised to believe in something that I obviously did not understand. How could he just casually brush it off like it was no big deal?
Virgil is obviously too far gone, it scares me. The others will not understand, none of them will. I will have to try and help them understand. If I can, then there is still a chance. I refuse to accept this truth as the only one. There has to be a way to coexist with out so much death. This was only an inking of something much greater, and I know they are not prepared.
I don't need to ask how many more, because I already know. Everyone. Everyone needs to die before it is satisfied.
I am not okay with Genocide. It is not the answer.
All I can do to atone for my sins against all of reality is discover a new truth. One that brings balance, but doesn't not destroy.
You can balance out a scale by taking some away, but in turn, you can do that same by adding more.
There has to be another way.
I am so sorry...
#3 WarTue May 01, 2012 8:40 pm
Everything is moving faster.
Brits with galvanic guns.
Members of the courts.
Not as easy.
Silly James not understanding trump.
A fire hose is not a ladder.
Going to have front row seats to the good part.
I can't wait!
neu·tral [noo-truhl, nyoo-] adjective
1. Not taking part or giving assistance in a dispute or war between others: a neutral nation during World War II.
I thought of this when I was reading my book on World War II last night. I found it very funny seeing the position that I am in. Queen Rajani has declared war upon Oberon for reasons that I can understand. She is a mother who is only reacting to harm that has been brought to her daughter. In no situation is it acceptable to shoot someone in the head. From what I have gathered, Renee was a daughter who wanted to rebel against her father. That did not give him a reason to have her turned into a vegetable.
On the other hand. Oberon is the one true king of Amber. He can not show bias towards his children when it comes to those who rebel against him. He has many enemies, and can not come off as being weak. He has to treat her like any other person who decided to attack Amber. She should have known. And furthermost, he can not back down from a decision he has made. Once it is done, it will not be undone. It is a kings word.
But deep down inside, does Oberon really care about his daughter? Deep down, does he really not want her to be fixed? I just can't accept that as a possibility.
Our blood runs deep.
in·ter·me·di·ar·y [in-ter-mee-dee-er-ee] adjective
5. Acting between persons, parties, etc.; serving as an intermediate agent or agency: an intermediary power.
This definition I feel represents what it is that will determine my plans. I could help prevent the most amount of damage possible. Because in the end, neither party wants to have this war.
It is happening do to a Kings hubris and a mother's sorrow.
I dedicate this song to you:
When I was a little filly
And the sun was going down
The darkness and the shadows
They would always make me frown
I'd hide under my pillow
From what I thought I saw
But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way
To deal with fears at all
She said, "Pinkie, you've gotta stand up tall
Learn to face your fears
You'll see that they can't hurt you
Just laugh and make them disappear."
Ha, ha, ha!
So giggle at the ghostly,
Guffaw at the grossly,
Crack up at the creepy,
Whoop it up with the weepy,
Chortle at the cooky,
Snortle at the spooky
And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just make you wanna...hahahaha...laugh!